Hey, you! š
The year 2023 is not my year.
I thought that my dark days would be over by spring this year, but it hasn't been the case. Perhaps it's because I've been ill so many times. I was at my doctor's office earlier this year and he spread my medical files on the table for all the times I've been ill since last year. I was shocked. I've never been the type to easily get ill before. Growing up, I probably had a cold once a year, but that was it. Since last year, there hasn't been a month where I wasn't sick - 3 bronchitis, 1 sinusitis, 1 covid, 1 flu, 1 pneumonia, and 2 serious asthma attacks. Again, I was shocked and sadly, I can feel my physical heath affecting my mental health.
I keep thinking that in two months, this year will end and when I look back, I realize that I haven't really been happy this year. No matter how many times I tell myself that I choose happiness, which I really do, it just doesn't happen. I just feel so crappy all the time.
Recently, I dreamt of my cousin. In fact, I wrote about it here (click here for the post). I talked about the moments of pure happiness I've experienced this year and the latest one was at a Food Night Market when we were in the Philippines last summer. I also talked about appreciating the little things and holding on to them, which was what he encouraged me to do in my dream.
I'm beginning to realize that happiness isn't something huge waiting to happen - it's those moments often taken for granted. In fact, a moment of real pure happiness requires very little and it doesn't need any material. And you often don't realize it until it's done and when you look back, you say "Wow, I was happy that time. Really happy."
That August night, the Husband, our Daughter, and I sat down on a table in the food night market facing a duo of singers. Ironically, we were ill that evening. The food wasn't great (or maybe our tastebuds were not functioning properly), the singers sometimes sang off-key, but none of that really mattered because ...
The night was beautiful, the stars were shining above us, and I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of peace enveloping me.
That moment meant everything. And still means everything to me. And gives me hope.
So whenever I feel down, I like to look at this video. I still feel that feeling of peace, just in a micro-dosage. Ahhh if only this feeling could be bottled. I'm aware that that exact moment won't probably ever happen again or maybe will but in a long while. But I keep wondering when will I have this moment again? Tsk.
So what makes you happy?
I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question but for me, music definitely makes me feel things. And that's good.
xoxo Elodie
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