Hey, you! š
I frequently have vivid dreams. These are exceptionally detailed and feel very lifelike. A lot of times I wake up feeling a bit confused and wondering if it really happened or not. They feel like real-life situations. Sometimes, these are nightmares too. A couple of years ago, I dreamt of my dad, which really freaked me out and to this day I still think about it (click here for the post).
Last week, I dreamt of someone who was like a cousin to me. N was a young and handsome man who sadly took this own life last March. When we heard the news, it was horrible and we didn't see it coming at all. My sister called to inform me of the bad news and I just kept quiet for the longest time as she was giving more details of what had had happened. I just couldn't believe it.
In my dream, N looked exactly as I remembered him - young and handsome, but he looked a bit sad. We were sitting and talking, which reminded me of the last time we were together. It was in August 2022. Our great-aunt had passed away and after her funeral mass, we gathered at a restaurant for drinks and finger food. We spent at least 2 hours sitting together and talking. Life is so busy nowadays and it's sad to say so, but the only time our whole family really gets together is when one passes away or marries. I asked him how he was and he talked about how confused he was in life especially regarding his career. He was a young engineer, but it seemed like it wasn't what he had expected it to be. I had to catch a train home, but before leaving I told him to go after whatever made him happy. I had no idea that a few months later he was going to do what he did and that we would be gathering at his funeral.
In my dream last week, we were talking and he suddenly took my hand, looked at me, and told me to hold on to the little things in life. That, that would help me out of this funk I've been in. To make the little victories count.
It's not a hidden fact that I haven't been feeling too well. Physically and emotionally. I am working with a therapist and I have my good and bad days. I try to take one day at a time - one step after the other.
For a long time, I've asked soooo much from myself. But I can't do that anymore because I just .... can't. Taking it one step at a time has helped me boost my self-awareness while continually moving forward. One of my greatest fear is being stuck. Is it because the past haunts me or perhaps I am afraid of what the future will be? I am still trying to figure that out.
But what N said to me in my dream got me thinking. I've realized that while I have been taking one step at a time, I haven't been celebrating those steps. I've been so focused on moving forward that I haven't been paying attention to what nurtures and sustains me in my every day life.
I've always been so grateful for all the blessings that I have, especially for the people in my life. But what I fail to do is acknowledge my moments. When I think about it, I've truly felt happiness twice this year. First was at my daughter's confirmation party and second was listening to music at a Food Night Market in the Philippines with my daughter and my husband last summer. It's the kind of happiness that resonates deep within the heart. It's that warm feeling in the stomach and chest flutters. But that has only happened twice this year. So it got me thinking ... what about the time my heart skipped a little bit faster after tasting delicious homecooked chicken enchilada casserole for the first time? What about finally having enough energy to go out of the house and have the sun shine on my face? Or what about laughing so hard while playing board games with friends?
Simply put, I can't just wait for the big moments to happen to allow myself to feel something. Or else I'll drown waiting. So that's what this dream has taught me - what N wanted to remind me.
So as I take each of those steps, I also need to ask myself, how do I feel?
xoxo Elodie
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