Hey, you! ❤️
It's no secret that I've always wanted a second child. Sadly, that hasn't happened.
In fact, through the years, I've had 4 miscarriages.
The first one was a year after we had our daughter. I was happy and a bit scared at first. But that didn't last too long as I lost the baby a week after receiving the news. Taking care of our 1-year old daughter helped me move on and ignore the pain. I didn't even deal with it - it just left. Or so I thought.
Then the second miscarriage happened a couple of years after. It hurt, but I quickly moved on.
I found out I was pregnant for the third time right when I was in the middle of losing my dad. I was saying goodbye to a loved one and at the same time getting excited about saying hello to a new love in my life. I never got to tell my dad the news before he passed away, but it might have been just as well because a few weeks after, just as I was entering the second trimester, I lost the baby.
Stress, immense sadness, endless nights of crying. I don't think I've ever felt as empty as I did as when I drove back home from the hospital after the medical procedure. I was empty. Alone and lonely.
I spent days in bed, sitting upright, staring out the window, wondering how I'd gotten myself in this situation and why life had to be so challenging all the time.
I feel blessed to have my husband and my daughter, but why did I have to lose my parents and my babies? Why couldn't I have been one of those people who have it all? I've never been one for material things and I would have given up anything I had in material to have my loved ones with me. But life doesn't always go the way we want it to, right?
My mental health took a hit that year. The grief for my dad was immense, but for my baby as well, and the two babies before that. But thanks to my loved ones, I slowly went up the hill. Spending time in nature and making myself busy with work also helped. I got out, moved to a new town, met new people, spent time with family, and found things to be grateful for.
I didn't get pregnant for 10 years after that. I told myself if it was meant to happen, it would happen. I believe in the miracle of nature. And I also believe that my head didn't allow my body to get pregnant. My walls were so high up from the trauma and it was on defense mode all the time.
Until September 2023 ...
I'd like to believe it happened thanks to the post-vacation bliss after our Philippines summer trip. My guards were down, I was happy, and I was on a high.
Initially, I was scared because of my age (I'm not so young anymore 😅) and our situation, but as I stared at the positive pregnancy test, my heart happily skipped a beat. Whatever difficulties we were gonna face, I was ready for this new love in our lives. The little girl I had dreamt of, many times all these years was coming.
But on the 8th week of my pregnancy, I started losing the baby and this time around it was a life-threatening miscarriage.
I didn't want to believe it, but my doctor was clear. If I wasn't monitored carefully, I could die.
My third miscarriage hit my mental health, but my fourth miscarriage was all about my physical health.
I laid in bed for weeks in pain, not knowing what to do or what was going to happen to me, leaving my faith take the reins of my life.
I wasn't responding to the medication and at some point, I honestly didn't think I would make it, but somehow my body was reminded of how beautiful life is and that I had my loved ones to live for. And so I fought back and I made it through. Again and again.
When I started feeling slightly better, I dropped everything. Work, toxic relationships, anything taking the little energy I had left in me. Then I took time for myself to reconstruct. I will forever be thankful for therapy. It saved my life. I'm thankful for my loved ones who also went through this up and down emotional ride with me. I know that it must not have been easy for them. And I'm also thankful for friends who checked on me and whose messages felt like comfort hugs. 🥺
And so here I am today. Feeling much better and ready for new opportunities coming my way. The time I took for myself made me realize what I needed and what made me happy. And once I realized that, I decided to go after it and opportunities started coming in ...
But these opportunities also mean that I'm finally ready to say goodbye. As much as I want to, I will not have any more children. I'm putting an end to this beautiful dream and I've accepted it. I don't consider this as a failure. It's important for me to understand that and I wish we could normalize giving up on our dreams.
In therapy, we like to work with images. My life is not a single book. It is made up of several books carefully and neatly placed on a wall bookshelf. So there I was, a long book in my hands, the last page staring back at me.
Firmly but with a pinch in the heart, I closed the book as my eyes did the same. I inhaled and slowly exhaled - and quietly said goodbye.
"A broken dream is not the end, it's just the beginning of a new journey."
xoxo Elodie
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