Jan 47 min read

Reflections On 2023 | Podcast

Updated: Jan 12

Hey, you! 🎉

First of all, Happy New Year. I hope that you were able to enjoy the holidays with family and or friends, to get some rest, and maybe reflect on the year gone by.

For me 2023 was a very challenging year. Professionally, but mostly personally.

During a medical appointment, our family doctor showed me the number of times I had been ill this year by spreading my medical files on his table. Stunned, I sat back in my chair. Basically, there wasn’t a month where I wasn’t sick. The worst was when I was losing my hair. And I mean, by the handful. I was scared and even more when I lost my right thumbnail. What was happening to me, I thought?? My head was spinning and it was really bad and I’m so glad that I was already in therapy which helped a lot.

And then came summer. Our family doctor was against the idea of me going to the Philippines, while my therapist encouraged it. I ended up going and had a wonderful experience. Mentally I was recharged, but I managed to come home with pneumonia, which might have caused or not a miscarriage. A surprise baby. I had barely recovered from that when I had a life-threatening asthma attack. I was stuck in bed most times, barely able to crawl out of it for work but I had to. No working hours, no pay. My laptop also broke down so we had to find alternative ways. I was exhausted. Other disappointing things were happening around me. And if things weren’t bad enough, the man I loved as an uncle suddenly passed away.

So there I was - an empty shell.

I’ve been through so much in my life starting with my mom’s illness at a young age, moving across the world for a better life, struggling to have a baby, losing my parents, struggling financially, and losing my in-laws. But I always had a hint of positivity in me. That better days were coming if I just went through the bad ones. That the only way to go when you’re down is up. That this was only temporary and it would eventually pass.

But for the first time in my life. I didn’t have that feeling.

I was literally an empty shell. But I was blessed with a support system. My therapist. The hotline lady. My family. Friends.

And then one night, I had a visit from someone I considered like a cousin in my dreams.

He reminded us of how beautiful life could be and that I should hold on and celebrate all the little victories. Appreciate the little things to get to the big ones. Advice I wished I could have told him earlier this year, but I didn’t.

They say that the most important thing about dreams is how you feel in them. And what I felt was hopeful with a little combative twinkle I’ve been so used to carry around. Then and there, I knew that things would be alright. Not easy, but okay.

When I was starting to feel better, I looked after my friends’ young child then my nieces’ kids at home. Spending time with them brought me the comfort I needed. That life was indeed worth it and that whatever was gonna happen was gonna happen. And as my therapist likes to remind me, take one day at a time - one step after the other.

This is a huge reason why I wasn’t back with the podcast in September. As I mentioned, my laptop broke down when we got back from the Philippines and with everything else happening, I just threw in the towel and figured I would be back when I would be ready. I still have lots of projects for this podcast and future collaborations. No pressure - baby steps.

Things have definitely improved.

As luck has it, I haven’t been ill since November, probably because the universe knows how hard the month of November is for me. But I got through that.

By December, I felt like a curtain opening in front of me and I could finally see light passing through. Which is a bit ironic though because it’s literally been raining non-stop where I live and we haven’t really had natural light in weeks. But I felt it and I could feel all the love and life bursting out of me.

We celebrated Christmas at my sister’s house in the countryside. We were spoiled rotten by her. I know that I’ve already talked about this here in the podcast but

Celebrating Christmas in France is very different from the way I am used to back in the Philippines. Don't get me wrong - it's different but I love it too. And I think it's because of the fact that however different it is, one thing remains and is the same - it both centers on family.

Culturally, Family is considered to be the foundation for most Filipinos. Filipinos are known for having strong and close family ties. They place high regard and put importance on their family before anything else.

Sometimes it can border toxicity and even be toxic, but that’s why you have to find the right balance. Back when we were living in the Philippines, my husband and I would go to my parents-in-law for lunch and sometimes dinner every Sunday. Every single Sunday. It was expected of us to do so. But most importantly, we loved going there every Sunday. It didn’t feel like it was a task or a chore to get over it. I genuinely liked going there and if there were times we couldn’t because of other prior engagements, then it was fine to skip a week. We were never made to feel bad about it. Same goes with my family. Although it was a little bit different because my dad was living with us.

Recently, I watched a vlog of a youtuber and she was spending christmas alone at home and my first thought was, “oh gosh, poor her. She’s all alone on Christmas”. But immediately after, I started thinking but wait, “what if she prefers it that way?” Families are not all the same. We don’t all get along and This period of the year is always a bit stressful and people feel anxious and so what if spending it with family causes even more anxiety that some would rather spend the holidays on their own. We don’t really know anything. So I try to reset my mind, which is something I’ve been working on in therapy.

This also got me thinking of a close friend of mine who has a very complicated relationship with her parents. One day we were talking about families and I mentioned how muchI miss my parents and that I would do anything to spend one more moment with them. She confessed that she felt guilty because both of her parents are still alive and live less than an hour from her. But every time they spend time together, things go sour so she’s been avoiding them. I could feel her pain and shame, but I told her there was no comparison. I had wonderful parents and our relationship was good, so of course I would long to see them. She didn’t have that and if spending time with her parents came at the cost of her mental health, then she shouldn’t feel bad for avoiding them. Family or not - you have to think of yourself first.

Going back to Christmas …

The young kids got to open half of their gifts when Santa Claus came to visit during dinner and the other half was under the Christmas tree the next morning. I don't know who was more excited to open the gifts under the Christmas tree - the kids or us? Hahaha First thing we did after waking up was go to my niece's house, which is just a few steps away from my sister's to help the children open their gifts. As an adult, I've realized that Christmas is magical through the eyes of a child and I love that.

The way their eyes light up when they see Santa, their happiness as they see the Christmas tree, their enthusiasm when they open gifts. The joy in their hearts is something that I can literally feel. It’s hese special moments that make me believe and hope for the future. I tell myself I want more of these moments.

Aside from the amazing food we had, we also exchanged gifts and played board games. Family is everything and I feel truly blessed to be able to do this with them. We don't get a lot of moments like these so these are truly cherished.

Not too long after, it was time for my husband to take his train home. My sister asked if I could stay a few days after christmas day and I agreed. I wish my husband could have stayed with us, but you know how it is when you work in the medical field. They are always needed at work. I'm just grateful that we were together for Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. I guess this is something one has to think about when they choose their profession. It’s more than just a salary, although I gotta be honest - a medical worker’s salary in France isn’t really attractive, but anyways. I’ve long accepted that I share my husband with his patients. That’s just the way it is.

There have been changes in my professional life as well. I’m not gonna go into it now. I have written about it on the blog and I’m not sure I want to get into that. Not now, Maybe someday.

But if there’s something 2023 has taught me professionally is how important discipline is. You can be as motivated or as creative as you want, but if you lack discipline, something’s missing in the equation. That’s something I definitely need to work on for next year.

This is the end of today’s episode. I hope that you enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think. Thank you for everything you’ve given me in 2023. I’m always so surprised to see the number of people who listen to this podcast.

May 2024 bring us all love, happiness, and good health. This will be a great year - I can feel it for us. ✨